Are you concerned about God ripping you away from your earthly sin-embracing body and taking you to a boring “Salvation party” filled with Mormons?

Are you uneasy that 72 virgins might be an awful lot of bitching to deal with for the rest of eternity?

Do you fear that Lucifer has been calling your name ever since you ripped the wings off that fly, or maybe ever since you peeked at Sally Jenkins changing in her tent at summer camp while claiming that “you were too young to know better?”

Don’t worry; we have an assortment of flamethrowers and enough moral ambiguity to fight off all descending angels as well as ascending hell-beasts.

Ride out the rapture in style here at Töad Meädow, where your soul is of the utmost priority.