Cell Phone Addiction, not Belly Dancers, Will Ignite the Revolution

There is trouble afoot in the Meädow of the Töads. Firstly, there has been a counterrevolutionary coup led by a bourgeois ingrate, “King Töad!” Secondly, this “King Töad” has denigrated our fellow revolutionaries for having the temerity to passively view cultural appropriators masquerading as belly dancers. Well hashtag this, King Töad, you bourgeois bastard! The passive resistance is coming to end your White Russian style counterrevolution!

Friends and comrades: active participation is rubbish! Under the guise of trying to encourage participants to be subsumed by a Dionysian instinct and throw off the shackles of reason, some “individualist” toads have usurped yet more power unto themselves. They do this in order to distract true revolutionaries from very important missions of creating awareness in their communities and the world at large. Passive participation has brought to light many an injustice that the active participants have overlooked in favor of watching big girls dancing!

2014 is the watershed moment in passive revolution. #ferguson? A punch right to the ‘nards of the fascist! #blacklivesmatter? Take that, cisscum militants! #icantbreathe? We’re twittering because we’re winning! Why actively take part in the revolution when sitting at home and expressing outrage via social media accomplishes so much more? Why throw bricks at cops when you can throw shade at relatives who repost Fox News nonsense? Taking part in a “moment” such as gawking at the bourgeois act of dangling coins causes you to lose focus in the bigger picture – we are not cats to be mesmerized by white girls coöpting sacred Islamic traditions, and we should not tolerate “King” Töad’s goading of passive revolutionaries working their cell phones into action.

Furthermore, “King” Töad’s observations come on the day of the passive revolutionaries’ greatest triumph – the removal of the capitalist screed The Interview from theater screens! Those who brought down the mighty Sony were not bothered by being called houseplants because some Polish woman in Buffalo usurping Middle Eastern exoticism didn’t stray their revolutionary eyes! I’ll text what I bloody want, where I want, in favor of whatever cause I want, and will not be swayed by the wild gyrations of counterrevolutionary hips!

But perhaps I am being a little harsh on “King” Töad. Perhaps he has gotten ahead of himself and his Turkic exuberance has gotten the better of him. I know he favors the Revolution, but let me educate him on the proper stages of the revolution, so that the passive revolution can be made to sound sensible. He may just be eager to storm the Winter Palace, pull down his pants and thrust his member betwixt the buttocks of the bourgeoisie. However, at this stage of the revolution, he would not get to take off his cow-skull belt before being shot in his testiculars by an overzealous agent of the State.

The very first stage of the revolution is awareness. First, you disseminate materials to the masses. Explain how the current regime fails to enforce general notions of equality. Then, you tie these failures to an overarching philosophy that seeks to redress inequality, racism, sexism, cisgender bias and all other societal ideals: communism. That these are failures of the government should not deflect from government being the solution: in power, we will get it right this time.

But in order to disseminate, you have to seal yourself off from the earthly delights of belly dancing (as fake or real as they may be in Buffalo). You cannot actively participate in a revolution when the seeds have not been properly sown. Come the glorious day, we will dance with the Polish and Irish girls of Buffalo in whatever dancing style they choose. But until then, keep your heads down and thumbs firmly trained on your smartphone to disseminate your thoughts of the coming revolution.

Adrian Kimble is the author of “I, Cis: How acknowledging cisgender privilege will save the working class from Islamophobia.”

2 thoughts on “Cell Phone Addiction, not Belly Dancers, Will Ignite the Revolution

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.