by Chantarelle Samsara
The temperature drops as night descends on the Meädow. A slight mist envelopes the edge of the woods. Low croaks are emitted by our amphibian residents. It is time to come out and play.
As you may know, the denizens of the Meädow are in the process of erecting a totem pole to survey its majesty. The word “totem” is derived from the Algonquian word odoodem, meaning “kinship group.” The totem will be a rallying point around which all the Meädow’s celebrants can gather, and the symbols carved into it will represent the ideals important to the community.
The toad will sit atop the totem, a symbol of the transient nature of life. We come, we go, ergo we must maximize our personal and communal utility while we are here. This transient nature is why the toad also symbolizes fertility. Sensuality is highly correlated, nay, a direct causal effect of maximizing utility. In this short time we have here, we must interact sensually with any and all persons in our sphere of influence, every hole an output for our natural, sensual essence.
But the toad straddling the totem’s top is only one part of the multifaceted experience that the Meädow’s denizens should enjoy. Sound is as important as sight to get the kinship group in the mood. That is why the totem will emit sounds beginning at sundown – sounds informed by deep research in the field of bioacoustics.
Bioacoustics is an interdisciplinary study of animal and human noises and how they interact for various purposes. The sultry sounds of the Puerto Rican coqui are the most beautiful sounds in the amphibian kingdom. Bioacoustics has shown that the sounds emitted by the coqui are mating calls. By synthesizing and properly arranging coqui calls, you can manufacture their sounds to summon more coquis. With further modulation of the calls you can apply those sensual sounds to other amphibians. And mammals. And even humans.
The clarion call of the coqui will sound as the sun sets on the Meädow. And just as coqui stimulates coqui with its whistle, the science of bioacoustics has allowed us to programmatically recreate the sounds and modify them to simulate the neural networks of humans. That’s right. No need to thank us. You’re quite welcome for the frog-whistle induced erection that you have right now.
But the symbol of the toad and the modulated clarion call of the coqui are only two parts of the multifaceted experience that the denizens of the Meädow should enjoy. Smell is as important as sight and sound. And unfortunately, our community has suffered from rumors of adverse scent. Just as the jasmine scents of the Buffalo Creek Casino invite punters to take a gamble at the tables, so will the fruit scents of the Puerto Rican jungle be transplanted to the Meädow. The fruit scents that drive the coqui wild will drive the denizens of the Meädow wild. Papaya, and not patchouli, to eradicate the negative stereotypes thrust upon our community.
Once harvested – or purchased from the Lexington Cooperative Market, assuming Vijay has ended his nonsensical boycott of Fijian produce now that they will be removing the Union Jack from their flag – we will distill the papaya scent into an orgasmic essence that will be sprayed all over our glade. It shall crate a glorious feedback loop, as bioacoustics has shown that the coqui, excited by the prospect of sex, is heightened by the smell of papaya. The heightening then increases the pitch of the coqui’s clarion call, which in turn excites potential mates even more. And this glorious feedback loop can be replicated in humans, too.
But the symbol of the toad, the modulated clarion call of the coqui and the musty scent of tropical fruit are only three parts of the multifaceted experience that the denizens of the Meädow should enjoy. Taste is as important as sight, sound and smell. Prior to entering the glade, pierogis containing the life giving essence of the native hallucinogenic mushrooms shall be consumed by all.
The pleasant umami of the mushrooms will be the neutral start to our interaction with the Earth and its inhabitants. The unctuousness of the dough, the lush mouthfeel of the filling, the jolt from the hallucinogenic compounds entering our bloodstream, in concert with the clarion call of the coqui will further push the Meädow’s denizens into a state of bliss. And arousal. The coqui, soothed by the unctuous umami of shroom pierogis, emits a low rumble in concert with the whistle. This low rumble, a sensual reverb, is then introduced on our sound system and has the same arousing properties on humans as it does on the coqui.
But the symbol of the toad, the modulated clarion call of the coqui, the musty scent of tropical fruit and the unctuous umami of shroom pierogis are only four parts of the multifaceted experience that the denizens of the Meädow should enjoy. These four parts build upon each other, sexual crescendos that will lead us all to touch. Touch, the fifth sense and the result of the other four coming together in perfect harmony.
The sun will soon rise on the Meädow, but with King Töad overlooking his domain, he will be joyful in the knowledge that his totem has discharged, his denizens have frolicked, and that nature and man have come together for a sexual rampage that noöne in our short lives will ever forget.
I played the coqui whistle loop on loudspeaker at work and boy oh boy was that a good idea. Myself, my coworker, the hostess, waiter, my boss, and a family of four trying to have a family meal together all simultaneously came within the first ten seconds of airtime. The mother of the family ran out of the resteraunt screaming, the hostess began crying uncontrollably, and my boss closed the resteraunt for the rest of the day so he could go change his pants. Now I have the night off so I can go drink wine and watch toad porn. A+!
Indeed! Although bioacoustics is still a new field of study, it shows immense promise, as your experience at work so clearly demonstrates.